Isabel Jordan
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Things I promise I’ll never talk about in a Christmas letter

2/16/2016

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Things I promise I’ll never talk about in a Christmas letter…and it’d be great if you wouldn’t, either
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You all know what I mean by “Christmas letter,” right? It’s the brag sheet/year-at-a-glance overview that family and friends and acquaintances send to you along with their annual Christmas card that often stuns you into silence with the sheer amount of TMI spewed onto the page. I know it’s a little late for this since Christmas has passed and all, but I was sick over the holidays (screw you, influenza A) and only just now read a few of the Christmas letters I received—so, please forgive my tardiness in presenting this, the list of things I’ll never talk about in a Christmas letter (and I hope you’ll pay it forward, people):

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Negative Reviews, Remarkable Nonetheless

2/16/2016

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Self-published authors and handling negative reviews: A few things to keep in mind
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For a self-published author, getting a negative review is like having someone tell you your kid’s ugly. And stupid. It hurts and you want to argue. You want to rage against the mouth-breathing, quarter-witted miscreant who dared disrespect your baby. But here are a few things to keep in mind before you decide to brush up on your cyber-stalking skills and formulate a plan to ruin a reviewer’s life (not that I’ve ever done that…no sir, not me…):

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Top 10 things I promise I’ll never do as a romance author

2/16/2016

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  1. Write about a heroine with impossibly long legs…who just happens to be five-foot-two. (It’s not scientifically possible, people…not sure why it keeps showing up in novels)
  2. Have my heroine hear a suspicious noise in the woods/basement/attic in the middle of the night and run off without telling anyone to investigate, especially wearing only a nightie, and/or armed only with a broom/rolling pin/frying pan/high-heeled shoe.​
  3. Wax poetic about the hero’s velvet- and/or satin-covered manhood. (The words “penis” and “erection” are in my vocabulary and I’m not afraid to use them)
  4. Have my heroine run away from the hero, who is protecting her from the villain, because hey, he’s not the boss of her and no one tells her what to do!
  5. Have my heroine borrow clothes that are too tight across the bust. (Happens all the time in Romance Land, doesn’t it? Heroines never seem to borrow clothes that are too tight across the thighs or butt)
  6. Have the main conflict in the story be a stupid misunderstanding that could be cleared up with one open, honest, adult conversation.
  7. Have the fate of the world depend on the hero schtupping the heroine.
  8. Confuse a bitchy heroine with a strong heroine. (The two traits aren’t interchangeable)
  9. Head-hopping (It’s confusing and headache-inducing, and there’s maybe only 5 authors in the world who can pull it off successfully…and sadly, I ain’t one of them)
  10. Write cliff hangers. (As a reader, few things piss me off more than a shameless attempt to force me into buying the next book in a series)
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Reasons why Game of Thrones is the best show ever. Seriously. Best. Show. Ever.

2/14/2016

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During #GOT season (which is criminally short, in my opinion), I plan my Sundays around the show. I need to be on my couch, lights dimmed, ready to watch five minutes before 9pm (wouldn’t want to miss the opening theme music, you know). During the show, I don’t get up to the go to the bathroom or grab a drink/snack. I don’t take my eyes off the television. Hell, I don’t blink. I’ve watched a lot of good (and bad…really, really bad) television in my time, but I’ve never felt as strongly about a show as I do about GOT. I dare you to watch this show and not become a fanatic. In case you don’t watch (and why wouldn’t you be watching???), here are the top reasons why during the off season, I’m within kissing distance of needing a GOT support group:

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It was awesome, so naturally, it was cancelled

2/14/2016

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Top 6 shows that were cancelled too soon
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I don’t watch television shows until they’ve been renewed for at least a fifth season. Why, you ask?
Because I am a killer of good television.

It’s a documented fact that if I love a show, it will fail to find other viewers and the network will unceremoniously ax it before its time. You can all thank me for the fact that Supernatural is still going strong in season 10; I didn’t start watching it until this year. You’re welcome.

Here are the top 6 brilliant, engaging, clever shows that were cancelled only because I liked them (I mean, what other reason could there have been, right?)

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Top seven things writers can learn from watching Supernatural

2/14/2016

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(No spoilers!)
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Watching Supernatural is like free admittance to a 12-season-long writing course. Here are the top reasons to watch:
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7. Sheer beauty

As humans, we are naturally drawn to the beautiful things in life. And I don’t think there’s anyone who’d argue that Jensen Ackles is ridiculously beautiful. It’s unnatural, really. Jared Padalecki is beautiful too, but he’s young-looking enough to make me feel like a pervy creeper for noticing–so I mention that only for you younger girls out there. But if you don’t feel inspired to write a beautiful hero (especially a romantic hero) after watching these guys fight evil and save the world every week, then you might want to check your pulse, ‘cause you might be dead. (Yeah, I’m a fangirl. What of it?)


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Top 10 Reasons to Read Semi-Charmed

2/14/2016

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  1. The new season of Game of Thrones doesn’t start for a REALLY long time. What else is there to do while you wait?
  2. There’s a free affirmation with every copy sold (Have you lost weight?)
  3. There’s a cute dog (Who doesn’t love a cute dog?)
  4. Because laughing burns calories (It’s a fact…look it up)
  5. Being seen reading makes you look smarter
  6. You can repeat the funny parts of the dialogue in conversations with your friends and pretend it’s your own (I won’t sue or anything. Promise!)
  7. It contains a healthy amount of ass-kicking to balance out the mushy stuff.
  8. There’s no cliff-hanger (Don’t you just hate those?)
  9. Who doesn’t love a happy ending?
  10. Because you need a smart, sarcastic, feisty, kick-ass paranormal PI in your life

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Be your own biggest fan. Others will follow.

2/14/2016

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To sign with an agent or not…that is the question.

The answer seems simple, right? Of course you want to sign with an agent! What idiot would turn down an agent’s offer of representation?

Well, looking back at my journey to publication, I wish I would’ve been that idiot.
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I started writing in 2001 while I was between jobs. I’d just read a historical romance that I hated. And I passionately hated this book. The plot was terrible, the characters were annoying and weak, the dialogue was stilted…it was a complete crapfest. So, I decided, hey, if this piece of garbage can get published, then I need to write my own novel. How hard can it be?

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Mood Music

2/14/2016

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10. Downfall—Matchbox 20
Best dark, brooding lyrics:
Be my savior
I’ll be your downfall

9. Demons—Imagine Dragons
Best dark, brooding lyrics:
Don’t wanna let you down
But I am hell bound

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Would you keep reading?

2/14/2016

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Would you keep reading a story that started like this:

Normally, Laney Walker would laugh at the thought of standing on a werewolf’s doorstep while wearing a red-hooded cashmere sweater.

Hell, she could think of a half dozen Little Red Riding Hood jokes and at least one vaguely dirty limerick about being eaten by the big bad wolf without even trying. But today wasn’t a normal day, and Laney was too annoyed and freaked out to laugh as she pounded on her neighbor’s door with more enthusiasm than was probably necessary.
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Her relationship with said neighbor and werewolf, Declan Murphy, wasn’t what one would typically classify as…well, neighborly. He’d lived next door to her for the past two years, and they’d never exchanged actual words. To date, they’d only communicated through baked goods…

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