We’ve all seen those frantic pre-blizzard shoppers at the grocery store. You know the ones I mean. I’m talking about the women fist-fighting over the last loaves of bread. The dude loading his shopping cart with enough gallons of milk to destroy all the lactose-intolerant folks in the country. These shoppers (who will grab a 2-liter of soda out of your hands and run away with it like it’s a bar of pirate gold) are blizzard virgins. The rest of us, those who’ve survived a few blizzards, know what you REALLY need to survive when your doors are covered in ten-foot snowdrifts. But for all you virgins out there, here’s what you’ll need:
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Position: “Mom” (alternate titles include: “Momma”, “Mommy”, and “Mother”)
Work hours: 24/7 Term: The rest of your life Pay: The knowledge that you’re helping shape the life of a tiny human Bonus potential: Occasional hugs and kisses A list of things I’d like to tell my younger self:
10. Downfall—Matchbox 20
Best dark, brooding lyrics: Be my savior I’ll be your downfall 9. Demons—Imagine Dragons Best dark, brooding lyrics: Don’t wanna let you down But I am hell bound Would you keep reading a story that started like this: Normally, Laney Walker would laugh at the thought of standing on a werewolf’s doorstep while wearing a red-hooded cashmere sweater. Hell, she could think of a half dozen Little Red Riding Hood jokes and at least one vaguely dirty limerick about being eaten by the big bad wolf without even trying. But today wasn’t a normal day, and Laney was too annoyed and freaked out to laugh as she pounded on her neighbor’s door with more enthusiasm than was probably necessary. Her relationship with said neighbor and werewolf, Declan Murphy, wasn’t what one would typically classify as…well, neighborly. He’d lived next door to her for the past two years, and they’d never exchanged actual words. To date, they’d only communicated through baked goods… |
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