Isabel Jordan
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The real essentials for surviving a blizzard  

2/25/2016

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We’ve all seen those frantic pre-blizzard shoppers at the grocery store. You know the ones I mean. I’m talking about the women fist-fighting over the last loaves of bread. The dude loading his shopping cart with enough gallons of milk to destroy all the lactose-intolerant folks in the country. These shoppers (who will grab a 2-liter of soda out of your hands and run away with it like it’s a bar of pirate gold) are blizzard virgins. The rest of us, those who’ve survived a few blizzards, know what you REALLY need to survive when your doors are covered in ten-foot snowdrifts. But for all you virgins out there, here’s what you’ll need:

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Things you’ll learn after self-publishing your novel

2/25/2016

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  1. 80% of traffic on your website will be ads for web designers, PR companies, and people looking to unload a Russian bride on you.
  2. 20% of traffic on your website will be readers who say things so nice you’ll get tears in your eyes while reading their messages.
  3. Not everyone will think you’re a genius and the best thing ever to happen to the world of lit-ra-chure. Sad but true. Some people will think you suck and won’t have any problem telling you so. 
  4. Figuring out exactly how the Amazon algorithm works is impossible, unless you are a Mensa member who also happens to be a NASA scientist with a computer sciences degree from Caltech
  5. You know that reading your negative reviews is a bad idea, but you’ll still do it. I dare you to try and NOT do it.
  6. Your Amazon sales rank will rise and fall with little to no visible pattern. No one knows for sure why. Don’t overanalyze it. It just happens. 
  7. You can’t continue to be antisocial, living on Doritos and Diet Coke in your writing cave. You will need to get on social media and participate in life (real life…not the life going on in the pages of your books) 
  8. You’ll have to keep writing, even though you’ll want to spend your time excessively checking your social media/sales/sales rank. 
  9. Some people will avoid your book because it’s self-published. Some people will read your book without giving any thought to who published it. Some people will tell you your book is “good for a self-published work.” Don’t worry about any of it. Just keep writing. 
  10. Asshat is one word, not two. (OK, maybe I’m the only one who learned that…editing and proofreading are beautiful things)
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You might be a super fan of The Walking Dead if...

2/17/2016

1 Comment

 
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You might be a super fan of The Walking Dead if you identify with more than 3 of these statements:
  1. ​You know more about the show’s shooting schedule/when episodes are scheduled to run than the cast and crew
  2. You had to quit watching pirate movies after the episodes featuring the Govenor because eye patches irrationally started to piss you off
  3. You find yourself hoarding out-of-date antibiotics and canned goods. You know, just so that you’ll have them in case the zombie apocalypse hits
  4. You think Rick has gotten inexplicably hotter with each passing season
  5. You sink into a mini depression when a season ends
  6. You find yourself wondering how characters from other shows would interact with your favorites on The Walking Dead (Seriously, Boyd Crowder from Justified could totally kick Negan's ass)
  7. You think shows in which characters don’t stab suspicious newcomers in the head are too girly for you
  8. You have fantasized about Negan (and Simon and Dwight and the jerkwad who hit Jerry that one time) dying a bloody, slow, horrible death
  9. You firmly believe that people either love The Walking Dead, or THEY ARE WRONG
  10. You watched a rom-com you would’ve ordinarily avoided like, well, a flesh-eating zombie, just because Andrew Lincoln appeared in it for a few lousy minutes 
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Acceptable reasons for bothering me while I’m writing include:  

2/17/2016

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  1. Blood, death, and/or dismemberment (and if it’s dismemberment, it better be important parts. No pinky toes, or fingertips)
  2. You have the perfect plot point to get me past my writer’s block
  3. You bought me a box of warm, fresh-from-the-bakery doughnuts
  4. Hugh Jackman is at the door, asking for me (would also accept Chris Hemsworth or Ryan Reynolds)
  5. The Publisher’s Clearinghouse people finally showed up with my giant novelty check  
  6. A special off-season episode of Game of Thrones is running (like, now)
  7. The house is on fire (and it better be a BIG fire, right outside my office--because if it’s only a small fire at the other end of the house, I’ll be pissed)
  8. You want me to piss me off (note: this will result in you being killed off--horribly, embarrassingly--in my next book)
  9. Stephen King is on the phone and wants to give me his secret for publishing so many brilliant books so fast
  10. The giant spider in my basement (aka: the Source of All Evil) invited his friends over, and it’s time to surrender the house to them
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You might be a Game of Thrones (the HBO series) super fan if...

2/17/2016

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 You might be a Game of Thrones super fan if you agree with at least nine of these statements:

You plot Ramsey Bolton’s death in your free time, imaging the various slow, painful, graphic ways in which he will die (because it will be soon…it’s just gotta be…)
​
You’re seriously considering moving south. You know, in case winter really is coming sometime soon. And who wants to be around when White Walkers start moving through the north?

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Job opening: “Moms” needed immediately!

2/17/2016

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​Position:  “Mom” (alternate titles include: “Momma”, “Mommy”, and “Mother”) 
Work hours: 24/7
Term: The rest of your life
Pay: The knowledge that you’re helping shape the life of a tiny human
Bonus potential: Occasional hugs and kisses

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Most likeable TV villains

2/16/2016

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Creating a villain everyone will hate? That’s fairly easy. But creating a villain your audience secretly (or not-so-secretly) roots for? Well…that’s a little more difficult.  Here are a few of my favorite likable TV villains:

Boyd Crowder, Justified

He’s smart, funny, has a smooth Southern accent, and matches the show’s hero line for hilarious line. Yeah, he blows up churches, but hey, no one’s perfect, right?

Jaime Lannister, Game of Thrones

I just as easily could’ve gone with Tywin Lannister on this one, but hey, I like Jaime better. (He’s pretty, OK? Don’t judge)
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Jaime Lannister is a terrible person who has done terrible, terrible things. We’re talking about a guy who’s having sex with his sister, and who once tried to kill a kid to cover up the incestuous affair. But every once in a great while, he shows little glimpses of decency and honor (like when he protected Brienne–at great cost to himself–and in his obvious love and respect for his brother) that make him darn-near likeable.

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Love the #DearMe movement. Here’s my contribution:

2/16/2016

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A list of things I’d like to tell my younger self:
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  1. Don’t get too attached to 21 Jump Street. Johnny Depp will get bored and quit, the show will go to hell, but you’ll be invested by that point and will watch anyway, thus wasting every Sunday night for 2 full seasons.
  2. Bangs aren’t for you. Trust me on this.
  3. Don’t refuse to wear your glasses while your braces are on out of vanity. Squinting at everything—and walking into shit like a dumbass—doesn’t make you look pretty, either.
  4. Your parents are right. About what, you ask? Doesn’t matter. They’re right, you’re wrong.
  5. Those girls you think are your best friends? You know, the ones who are nice to your face, but  constantly undermine your self-confidence and say nasty things about you behind your back? Yeah, they suck. Stay away from them.
  6. You’re not going to marry Jon Bon Jovi. Sorry, but it’s true.
  7. The stories you write aren’t stupid. Keep writing them. (Except the bad fanfiction…that’s stupid and you should stop writing it)
  8. Stirrup pants are evil.
  9. Don’t be afraid to be smarter than the boys. They won’t stop liking you because of it. (They might stop liking you because you’re squinting like an idiot all the time, though)
  10. Don’t wear the mullet-skirted, shiny green satin prom dress. The pictures will haunt you for years.
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Top 6 Self-publishing Myths That Piss Me Off

2/16/2016

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I’d like to think we’ve all moved past the days when self-publishing was considered nothing short of sacrilegious. After all, self-publishing is a billion-dollar industry, and wild success stories are becoming more and more common. But even today, the self-publishing stigma still rears its ugly head on occasion. To clear the air, here are a few common self-publishing myths debunked:

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Things a romance hero would never do

2/16/2016

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We love you guys, but maybe this list, which contains things I’ve heard men do (no, not you, honey, but other men), is the reason why so many women love romance novels. Because a romance novel hero would never:
  1. Leave beard hair in the sink. (Hey, Chewbacca, how about wiping the sink out after you’re done shaving?)
  2. Shove a gallon of milk under your nose and ask, “Does this smell bad?”
  3. Utilize a bedroom floor composting method for dirty clothes instead of tossing them in the hamper like normal human beings (i.e.: women).
  4. Dutch oven. ‘Nuff said.
  5. Channel surf with one hand on the remote and the other shoved down his pants.
  6. Yell instructions at players in any sporting event as if they can hear him from his position sitting in front of the TV.
  7. Ask an angry woman, “are you on your period?”
  8. Tell you to “calm down” when you’re clearly very angry about something. Grrr. It’s even worse if done in combination with #7.
  9. Say, “pull my finger.”
  10. Send you a picture of his penis (aside to the guys who might be reading this: we like penises. Really, we do. But they are ugly. Homely as a mule’s butt, even. Trust me when I say no one wants pictures of your penis)
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